Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
