the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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