Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
