i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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