and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
