I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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