I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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