you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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