Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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