people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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