I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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