I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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