thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
