Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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