I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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