Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
