is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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