Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
