Kiss
Puke
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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