Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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