I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
