Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
