How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
