sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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