Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
