I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
