where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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