My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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