I will die if light touches me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
