Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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