I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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