omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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