I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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