Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
