I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Randomize
