The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
