I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
