If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
