Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
