how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
