So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
