If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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