Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I can text with my tongue
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
