you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
where am i from again
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
