i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
