I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
