I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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