shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
