I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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