OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
