I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
