was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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