I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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