i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
