We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
