Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
